Death is always unexpected. Even the terminally ill hope not to die today. Maybe in a week, but not now, not today. My father's death was even more unexpected. He passed away when he was 27, like many musicians in the so-called "27 Club." He was young, too young. My father was neither a musician nor someone famous. Cancer doesn't choose its victims. He passed away when I was only 8 years old, and I was old enough to miss him for the rest of my life. If he had died earlier, I would have had no memories of him and I wouldn't feel any pain, but then you could also say I never had a father. And I do remember him, because I had him, I had a father.
If he had been alive, he would have been able to cheer me up with his jokes, he would have been able to kiss my forehead before I went to sleep. Maybe he would have forced me to be a fan of his favorite football team and he would have explained some things to me much better than Mom.
He never told me he was going to die soon. Even when he was in the hospital bed with tubes running through his body, he never said a word to me about it. My dad made plans for the next year even though he knew he would be gone next month. Next year we would go fishing, travel, and see places we had never been. Next year would be wonderful. That was our dream.
I think he thought something like this would bring me luck. Making plans for the future was his way of keeping hope alive. He made me laugh until the end. He knew what was supposed to happen but he never said anything to me, he didn't want to see me cry.
One day my mother came to pick me up at school suddenly and then we went to the hospital. The doctor gave her the sad news as gently as he could. My mother burst into tears, she had a tiny bit of hope left. I was in shock. What did that mean? Isn't this one of those diseases that doctors cure? I felt betrayed. I screamed in anger until I understood that my father really wasn't with us anymore. Then I started crying too.
Then something happened. A nurse with a small box under her arm approached me. The box was filled with envelopes with notes written on them instead of addresses. The nurse handed me only one of the letters.
“Your father asked me to give you this little box. He spent the whole week writing these letters and he wanted you to read the first one today. Be strong.”
On the envelope was written: “When I’m gone.” I opened it.
Son,
If you're reading this it means I'm dead. I'm sorry, I knew that would happen.
I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want you to cry. It was my decision. I think a person who is so close to death has the right to be a little selfish.
I still have a lot to teach you, after all you know practically nothing. So I wrote you these letters. Don't open them until the right time comes, okay? That'll be our deal.
I love you. Take care of mom. You are the man of the house now.
With love, dad.
PS I didn't write letters to your mom, I already left the car with her.
His tangled letter, which I was able to read with difficulty, reassured me and made me smile. My dad had come up with something like that, so original.
That little box became the most important thing in the world to me. I told Mom not to open it. The letters were for me and no one else was to read them. I memorized what was written on the envelopes I had yet to open. It was a matter of waiting for the time to come for each one… and I forgot about them.
Seven years later, after we moved to a new place, I had no idea where the box was. I just forgot where it might be and didn't really look for it. Until something happened.
Mom never remarried. I don't know why, but I wanted to think that my dad was the love of her life. For a while she had a boyfriend who was worthless. I thought she was lowering herself by being with someone like that. He didn't respect her. She deserved better than some guy she met in a bar.
I still remember the slap he gave me after I said the word “bar.” I admit, I deserved it. While the skin on my face was still boiling from the blow, I remembered the box with the letters and one letter in particular whose envelope read “When you have the worst fight with your mother.”
I searched everywhere in my bedroom and found the box inside a briefcase on top of the closet. I saw the envelopes and realized that I had forgotten to open the letter that said “When you have your first kiss.” I hated myself for that and decided to open it later. Finally, I found what I was looking for.
Go and apologize to him.
I don't know what caused the fight and I don't know who's right, but I know your mother well. Go and apologize, that's the best thing you can do.
She is your mother, she loves you more than anything in the world. Did you know that she gave birth to you naturally because someone told her it would be better for you that way? Have you ever seen a woman give birth? Do you need any more proof of her love?
Ask her for forgiveness. She will forgive you.
He loves you, your dad.
My father was not a great writer, he was just a bank employee, but his words had a great influence on me. They were words full of wisdom, much more than I could have had at 15 years old, as I was at that time.
I quickly went to my mom's room, I was crying when she turned around to look me in the eyes. I remember walking towards her with the letter in my hand. She hugged me and we stayed there for a while, in silence.
We made up and talked about it a bit. It was as if he was there, sitting next to us. My mother, me, and a little part of my father, a part he had left for both of us on a piece of paper.
It was some time before he read the next letter: “When you lose your virginity.”
I congratulate you, son.
Don't worry, things will get better with time. The first time is always scary. My first time was with a rather ugly woman who was also a prostitute.
My biggest fear was that you would ask your mother what virginity is after you read that word on this envelope.
With love, dad.
My dad was with me throughout my life. He was there for me even though he had died a long time ago. His words did what no one else could: they gave me the strength to overcome the many difficulties in my life. He always knew how to make me laugh when everything around me seemed like a nightmare and helped me clear my mind in moments of anger.
The “When you get married” letter worried me a lot. But not as much as the one that said “When you become a dad.”
Now you understand what true love is, son. You understand how much you love her. But really, true love is what you feel for that little creature beside you. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl.
But…enjoy it. Time will start to go by very quickly, so you better be around. Don’t let the moments pass you by, because they will never come back. Change diapers, give baths, be a role model. I think you have what it takes to be as good a parent as I was.
The most painful letter I have ever read, and also the shortest, was one from my father. I am sure that when he wrote those four words he was suffering as much as I was. It took me a while, but I finally opened the envelope “When your mother dies.”
Now she's mine.
How funny!… It was the only letter that didn’t put a smile on my face.
I always kept my promise, that's why I never read the letters ahead of time, well, except for the letter "If you realize you're gay." It was one of the nicest letters.
What can I say? I'm glad I'm dead!
All joking aside, being on the verge of death made me realize that we worry a lot about things that don't really matter. Do you think anything will change, son?
Don't be stupid, be happy.
I always looked forward to the next moment, the next letter, one more lesson my father would have for me. It's amazing what a 27-year-old man can teach an 85-year-old like the one I became.
Now, bedridden in a hospital, with tubes in my nose and throat because of this damn cancer, I run my fingers over the already faded paper of the last letter I have left to open. The phrase "When your time has come" is barely legible on the envelope.
I don't want to open it. I'm scared. I don't want to think that my time is near. No one believes that one day they will die.
I take a deep breath, and open the envelope.
Hello, my son. I hope you're old now.
You know, this was the first letter I ever wrote, and it was the easiest of all. It's a letter that freed me from the pain of losing you. I think the mind wakes up when you feel like you're close to the end. It's easier to talk about it.
These past few days here I've been thinking a lot about my life. It was short but very happy. I was your father and your mother's husband. What more could I ask for? That gave me inner peace. Now you do the same.
My only advice: don't be afraid.
PS: I miss you so much
Source: medium
